The Back Massage Liberation Organization

Something has been stolen from me. A thief broke into my house, retrieved a long-awaited package containing a very expensive flat iron, and stole it. Said thief removed the contents of the package and left me with a very detailed ransom message:

To Whom it May Concern, We, the person (aww, just one? how sad for you) of Back Massage Liberation Organization have taken your flat iron and will hold it until our ransom is paid. Our demands are written on back.

1. 2 back massages
2. a foot massage
3. CENSORED (you'll thank me for this)
4. dinner at Moe's

PAY OR ELSE

First of all, I would like to say that I am not impressed by your antics. I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my flat iron go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will burn you with it. I've always wanted to say that.

After finding said ransom note, I looked at Ben who looked back at me giddy with anticipation and announced that I have a pounding headache (still) and that the flat iron will appear eventually. Ben, looking a bit dejected, disappeared into the back of the house. When he returned, he said he received a text message with the thief's picture. The thief was holding a knife, so he said I should be aware that the thief means business:


I think they might be Muslim terrorists.